How to Use a Leash

Leashes are a common household item. The thing that concerns me is that I see more and more people using them incorrectly. This seems to be a little nonsensical…since a leash is really just a long string that you attach to something to keep it close by. How could someone get that wrong?

Before I really dive into things, there are things that you need to know.

This is an example of a human child. (And before anyone gets mad for me using a picture of their kid, I searched Google for “child” and this was the first picture I got…so fair game.)

Human children are fairly easy to differentiate from other animate objects. If you’re reading this, you’re (probably) human. Go look in the mirror. Take what you see, and miniturize it. That is what a human child looks like. Like most species, human children come in different sizes and shapes, but the basic overall anatomical structure is the same. Anything that does not resemble this is not a human child. Caution – primates have similar mannerisms and overall anatomical structure. Do not let this confuse you.

There are several reasons to use leashes. Leashes are generally used with living beings to keep them within a certain radius, generally for safety reasons. As a dog owner, the reason I use a leash is because my dog doesn’t speak English, and as much as I’ve tried to explain to her that chasing a squirrel across the street or running away from thunder could be very dangerous to her, she just can’t seem to wrap her head around this and does it anyways. Trying walk with her and hold onto some part of her would also prove to be difficult – what would I grab? Her ear? So to make my life easier, I put a leash on her to keep her within a maximum  6 foot radius of me so that she doesn’t get hit by cars or eaten by coyotes or something like that.

I don’t know about other people’s children, but for the most part, children have the ability to walk on their hind legs, understand their parents, and hold hands. There’s this new fad around putting children in leashes. I fail to understand the logic behind this. If my dog understood English and I could hold onto her some way, I wouldn’t have her on a leash.

A child is your flesh and blood, or you chose to adopt it. It doesn’t have cooties, it’s not going to attack you (well…I hope). So why is your child on a leash? The only time that I might give the okay for a leash on a child is if you have more kids than hands. If you have 2 hands, you have 2 places to attach children to. If your hands are full with groceries or something…fair enough. But when I see two able-bodied parents just walking down the street with one kid on a leash…I don’t get it.

Leashes are for animals, not humans.

Correct.

Incorrect.

Sometimes life hates you…and it’s amusing

I love the summer. I love the long days, the warm nights, the brightness of the sun. I love the smell of summer…minus the smell of stewing garbage and manure. Summer can pretty much do no wrong in my eyes. So summer, why did you spite me on your first wonderfully warm and sunny day of the year?

A couple of days ago, I headed out from work to go downtown to take hip hop and jazz classes. It was the perfect combination – it wasn’t too hot and it wouldn’t be dark by the time I left class. Since I go from work, I tend to drive my car from work to a nearby Skytrain station and then hop the Skytrain downtown. I have to leave about an hour before my class starts to get down in time.

The morning before, I scoped out parking spots. The problem with Skytrain stations are that there are no parking areas nearby (unless they’re park and rides). I saw that although the houses don’t want you parking in front of them, public establishments usually have a 2 hour parking limit from 9-6. Since I don’t get there until around 4:30, I figured this would be the best way to go.

I was feeling pretty good about myself when I parked and got out of my car to head to the Skytrain, when an ominous sign stared down at me. Temporary no parking from 9-6 because of construction. I looked up and down the street. Maybe the crews were invisible? Either way, I couldn’t park there if I wanted my car to be there when I got back. Frustrated, I got back in my car to look for another spot.

By now, I was running short on time. I had to find a spot close to the station that wasn’t by a house or in a mall parking lot. Remembering that I’d seen a tiny church on the other side of the street, I wasted no time turning the car around (although around an intersection of two main streets, you waste a lot of time) and off I was to find the golden parking spot.

After I parked and checked for leering signs, I hopped out of my car and rushed to the station. I knew I would have to rush if I wanted to make it. Only one problem.

A week before this, I went to the same combination of classes and felt so sick within the first 30 minutes. I was dripping with sweat, my heart rate wouldn’t come down, my face was burning red, and I felt like I was going to faint. After talking to my mom, we chalked it up to me not drinking enough during the day and probably overheating due to dehydration. So what did I do before heading out to this class?

I drank close to 700mL of water in an hour and a half. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I even peed before I left work.

No matter, I needed to get downtown before class started. No time to pop into a washroom to relieve myself. It would only take me 15 minutes to get downtown and another 5 to walk to the studio. I’m a big girl. I can hold it.

Feeling pretty triumphant for being able to get to class on time, I rushed down the stairs and towards the trains. But there was a man in a green jacket standing in the middle of the entrance! What could he want?

Proof of payment.

Okay, fine. You’re just another obstacle trying to keep me from dance class. I’ll show you my U-Pass and then you’re going to have to let me go. You’re not stopping me.

Except he was. I opened my backpack to find my wallet. Where was it? I literally unpacked my entire backpack on the station floor. No wallet. Then I remembered I went shopping on Sunday and never put it back in my backpack.

No proof of payment means no Skytrain. No Skytrain means no dance class.

By now I was super angry with life. I stormed out of the station and back to my car a half a block away. In my stupor, I forgot one big problem.

That drive home was the longest in history EVER. Lesson learned – keeping hydrated is great. Drinking large amounts of liquids in short periods of time does not equate to keeping hydrated. It equates to great discomfort at the most inopportune times.